Hello. What a nice, simple thing to say after months of no writing, is it? But I'm sorry for not posting in such a long time. Though I must say this one: just because I don't post doesn't mean I don't write. As really, I practically write everywhere. I just don't feel like posting it. My recent journals consist of continuous patterns of how terrible and boring my three-month-break is. That includes my repeated schedule everyday: waking up, surfing on the internet, reading, and going to sleep. It just went like a complete boring cycle and I was seriously slowly going crazy with the monotonous patterns. Meanwhile some of my friends had traveled to Europe and some had gone to Makkah
this holiday, I was still going to my fridge and back to my room and that was not something I should be bragging about now. But no worries, this one wouldn't be like the last time I wrote, since I had gone to a pretty nice trip myself and ended the torture of being drowned in a sea of boredom in my own room this last week. I was having this family-ish Eid Mubarak traditional trip and it was kind of cool, if I do say that myself. My family and I headed to Jakarta, and had a real nice bonding family time with my aunt who lived there. It was the first day of Eid Mubarak and we got to pray in one of the biggest mosques there as my grandparents had insisted us to. I was pretty excited myself, because honestly? I had never really gone to the same place as the President and all his ministers. And they were all there. Only I didn't see them. People were talking about them being there, but the mosque was so big I couldn't even find the other side of the room apart from where I was standing. It was a total chaos there anyway. I was standing in a sea of people, but it was nice, the energy was extremely rising there and everyone looked so happy, which brought a smile to my face too. There was a little tiny funny part going to the same mosque as the Indonesia's first man in this trip. So before we went inside, there were some kind of police guarding the entrance, and we had to pass the...um, what'd you call it? That same thing in the airport where it beeps when it suspects a metal? Yeah, that, whatever it was, we had to pass that one. I was standing behind my mom when we got through it when suddenly it rang out loud, and then one police woman immediately grabbed my mom, groping her everywhere; her clothes, her pockets...and my mom just stood there dumbfounded. I looked down at my hand and realized that I was still holding my phone. Oh. I quickly showed the cop my phone, and she released mom, nodding politely at me. Mom was still in a complete surprise but we managed to get our bags back and got out of the crowd. Once we were out of there, mom dramatically gasped, "She grabbed my ass!" I was laughing. I told mom I was sorry that I forgot to put my phone down and joked that I was glad she didn't bring any bombs in secrecy. Mom was laughing too, and then after that, she couldn't stop talking about it to everyone until I didn't find it funny anymore. As soon as we left the mosque, we hurried to visit my other aunt near the region. It was a nice visit that we paid, and I was extremely happy that I got to see my cousin that I hadn't seen in almost a year. He was still probably eleven months old last time I saw him and now he was able to talk, to recognize colors, and I almost cried in happy tears. My sister and I had a good fight because we both wanted to hold and hug him, and I couldn't even stop myself from talking to him even though most of the time I still couldn't comprehend what the baby was talking. But whatever, it was really nice. I love babies. They're like REALLY cute. The only flaw in having babies is that they grow up, and they become less cute and naughtier. We only spent an hour there then my dad, mom, sister and I had to go. We had promised my other grandparents (the ones from my dad's side) to pay them a visit and stay the night at their house in Bandung. There were some pros and cons in visiting them to me. The pros are I've always loved the cold whether in Bandung and the food (oh, especially the food!) And sad to say that the con is staying a night there. I know this isn't a nice thing to say but I've never felt so close to any of my relatives there, not even my own grandparents. We only visit them once, or if we get lucky twice a year, and it never was more than one night. Frankly I've never really been comfortable staying there. They don't feel like a complete...family...to me. I mean, I'm aware that we are family, but it's the blood-bond that make us so, not the closeness, not the love and caring. Now I'm starting to feel bad for saying that. We arrived there at evening. My relatives live as neighbor in a small town where there are horses's shits (could've said poop but that's so uncool) are everywhere. I literally had to watch my every step, careful not to stomp on any of those suckers. We met our grandpa straight ahead, and he still looked the same as the last time I saw him. Old, and probably a little bit weaker than before. Dad told me that he's been sick for a pretty long time and out of sudden I felt a rush of guiltiness spread inside me because I was never there for him. Then we met our aunt. Not like from my mom's side of family, I never bother to remember the names of my Dad's sisters and brothers. They all look the same to me anyway. The same pretty faces, almost similar to one another. Then I met my grandma. Grandma had always been super nice to me, loved me like I was a gift that should be kept and worshipped. But I think it had vanished away. When I offered grandma a handshake, she was asking if I was my Dad's youngest daughter in that thick Sunda accent. Asking if I was my sister. It almost sounded that she was more thrilled and excited to see my sister rather than she did me, and I would be lying if I said that I could feel a little jealousy jolted inside me. I told her no, it was me, and my sister was inside, and she just laughed and strode inside. I was a little bit hurt to say at best. I went inside and found that my grandma has gone to my sister. She said all those nice things she had said to me while I was much younger than I was now, when I was about my sister age: you've grown up so much, you've gained lots of weight, you've gone lots taller, lots prettier, oh darling! What grade are you in now? You look more beautiful than ever. Was it ever this hard growing up? I was thinking to myself. Nobody seemed to like me like they did me a couple years ago. I may feel like I was abandoned before, and this was so much worse. When I was younger my grandma would always pull me in her lap and comb my hair, telling how pretty my hair is, my face is, my everything is. Now everything just disappeared. Her attention had completely gone from me and she gave it all to my sister. I guess my time was done. I came to this conclusion in the end: maybe grandmas love children. And I am not a child anymore. The rest of the evening we spent talking with my aunts and her daughters in the house where my family and I were staying. I felt a little bit losing my self-confidence upon seeing how pretty my nieces look. They are so good-looking with their faces showing no hint of any flaw. And then there's me. Sometimes I even forget that I am a Sundanese because of how ugly I look. Y'know, Sundaneses are supposed to be good-looking right? Like dad and the rest of his family. Did I inheret the wrong gene somehow? The next morning we spent our time packing. It's wrong to say this but my sister and I were glad that we were leaving. My sister had been showered with affection and appreciation about how pretty she looked now (nobody said those things to me anymore like they used to. Either I'm too old for fake compliments or they really think I'm ugly) but I could tell that she was excited as I was to leave, because everything had been so awkward for both of us there. We practically had nothing in common to talk about there to our cousins and the conversations usually just went stale. Before we went back to Jakarta we visited another sister of my dad's in Cimahi. It wasn't quite a long ride though. She lived on top of a hill and the whether was so cold out there even though it was literally midday and the sun was right above our heads. I couldn't imagine what it'd feel like at night. I'd probably freeze myself to death. And there, we were treated like a royal family. My aunt was one of the most generous people (then again, the rest of the family is) I've ever encountered in my whole life. And she loved to talk, boy, does she love to talk. She just never shuts up. She just talked about everything and it was easier that way because she kept asking questions and I was glad that there were less awkward silence as she always filled it with her voice. She told us to sit when we first arrived then began asking mom how the trip was, whether the streets were busy or not, and some other common talks. All the while she was getting out of all her cookies, food, drinks, that there was almost not enough room to put all of that. "Eat! Eat!" She would say every one minute. I complied on both ends, not refusing such a nice offer like that. I loved eating anyway. I ate evrything that she served. Tried every cookie on the table. They were all so tasty, especially those ones with the cheese. I ate and ate and ate, so did my sister. I couldn't even count in one hand how many different kinds of cookies I'd eaten that day. Just when I thought my stomach would not fit any kind of crumbles anymore, my aunt offered us a feast. A lunch, to be exact. Mom told her no, we should get going, but aunt insisted. Said that she had cooked all of that just for us. I could tell that mom felt terrible, but also I could tell that she might be a little bit hungry herself that she nodded then began helping put everything. Everything was set. The meats, fishes, vegetables, but none of that caught my attention until my aunt got a plate full of Sambel (I'm not sure how to say that in English. What, chillies? Doesn't sound that good) and my full stomach had left forgotten. I was practically drooling over that Sambel because it looked so delicious that I could imagine it seducing me like "eat me, eat me, I'm yummy!" And that thought made my mouth watered even more. Like a savage that I was, I grabbed my plate and put my rice and a little bit of meat then scooped a spoonful of that Sambel (lmao it's weird saying it like that!). I took my first spoon of my meal then I literally closed my eyes to savour the deliciousness that the Sambel had given me. "Oh my God, oh my God," I had whispered then, I did whisper those words because these days my mouth has been trained to say it whenever something unexpected happened and I don't even know why, and my sister was staring at me like I had lost my mind and my mom was looking at me weirdly too. Before mom could think that I was gone cray cray I excitedly told her that this Sambel was everything. Like, everything! Oh my goodness! Never tasted anything like this before! I looked at my plate and the redness of the chiles there and thought "all of Sambals out there I've put in my tongue baby you're the best one" and it sounded utterly ridiculous even inside my head, so to let out this joy feeling swelling inside me I told my aunt straight that I liked, no, LOVED her cookings and I could see that she blushed a little, then out of happiness she offered me more and more food, which I gladly shoved down my throat. The lunch time was over and I was sad that I really had to say goodbye to the meal that my aunt had cooked when she suddenly packed everything that's left on the table. She said it was all for us, for me, and I almost shed a tear of happiness. I begged mom and dad to cook a bowl of Sambal as delicious as this one if we get home later, and they practically rolled their eyes at me. I thought that now lunch was over I could sit back and relaxed my full stomach a little, but I was wrong. My aunt kept insisting me eat the cookies again, and even though I'd told her that I was completely full and couldn't even open my mouth to eat anything else, she didn't give up. She kept constantly offered me and my sister food. Then I went some minutes to pray, then another bowls of food were already stacked on the table. It was meatballs, I noticed. It was meatballs?! And for the second time today, I didn't care whether I'd throw up from eating too many food today. I jumped to my seat and being a perfectly good girl I was, eating my bowl of meatballs until it was empty. Our time in Bandung was finally over. We needed to get going and go to Bogor now, visiting other families there. We said goodbye to my grandparents, and it all felt so dull to me. Grandma wasn't as excited as she used to be when I was around and now she wasn't as sad as she used to be when I was about to go home. She usually would kiss me on my forehead, telling me that I should stay a night or two nights more here because she still missed me, insisting me to promise that I would come to visit again in a short period of time. But there was none of that. That day it almost seemed like she didn't care that we left. She didn't even take us to our car and just stayed at her house. My throat was dry. I thought I was going to cry. That evening we arrived at Bogor and everyone had been waiting for us. My cousins (now from my mom's side of the family, that feels more like a family to me because we see each other every so often) were happy to see me and I was excited to spend the rest of my day here. I was the eldest grandchild, therefore I had to handle like nine little kids under my sight at one time. It wasn't the hardest task, considering they were all pretty smart, intelligent kids, but there came time when the side of their spoiled rotten side was out and it was not easy to handle them to say at best. That evening I was watching some movies with them all, but nobody really seemed to really watch it as everyone was busy doing their own things. Some were playing with their gadgets and some were playing with my baby cousin, and me, I was on my phone, texting a guy I knew from school. I got really distracted that I had to move into the bedroom then, and one of my cousin was following me. I sat on the bed and he followed me, looking curiously at my tab. He was only seven years old, or not less, but he was always curious about everything. He leaned down to me and read whatever was written on the screen, reading the conversation I had with the person on the other end of the line. He knew that it was a guy I was texting and every five minute he would look up to me, smiling cheekily and gave a me some wolf-whistles. I laughed then; couldn't believe that I was being teased by a seven year old little kid. I told him it was just friend I was having conversation with, then he gave one last wolf-whistle and went playing his gadget back. The rest of the night had been splendid, and I wasn't just talking about the family time. I was finally making up with a friend that I had a little "fight" with, and I was just really glad that we solved it out. Or not completely, because to be frank I could feel a little hurt inside my heart everytime I thought of the incident that had caused the little fight we had couple weeks ago. The next day, we continued our journey to other relatives. I spent so much time with my aunts and uncles, and I was usually comfortable with them but I felt less of it since they kept asking me about universities and it kind of bothered me. They knew that I was taking a uni entrance test last month in University of Indonesia, and I knew that they all had expected me to easily get enrolled (because for some reasons they have always thought that I was a child progidy, which I'm claiming as a misled thought) and were shocked when I broke the news that I so terribly failed at the test. They had told me that it was okay, fine, but their eyes had flickered something else. It was disappointment, I could tell. They were disappointed because I was never as clever as they thought I was. After we spent enough time socializing, we took a little time to get to the mall that I had insisted on going. I had been dying to buy some books since the first day I got here and I forced them all to take me there, which fortunately they granted. The mall was so grand compared to the ones we have in where I live, and when we got into the parking lot I honestly had no idea where to find the bookstore I was looking for. We got to the entrance and I was just about to ask the security the exact location of the bookstore when the familiar "Books & Beyond" writing was printed largely on a banner right in front of the entrance where we came in. Wow, I thought. Books must love me very much, then I practically jumped inside. I could feel my mouth watering. Holy shit, I needed air! Oxygen! And most important of all, money! Because this place is such a heaven to me with all the books stacks neatly on the shelves. I got into the fiction section and quickly finding out all the books I'd been dying to read or have read, skimming to every written title and covers. Oh my my my, if only we had this kind of bookstore back in where I live, I would probably visit it everyday and never leave. I took my time choosing what books to buy then, and it was such a hard choice because more than anything I just desired to take everything. Geez, everything was so expesive. One book costed 15$ and I was thinking that I had to choose super wisely, because I only had half million rupiahs in my wallet. I had spent eight hundred thousands on a guitar a few weeks ago, and the thought of spending another eight on books made me shudder. Mom would kill me if I used all my money for my entertainment only. My cousins had hurried me because I was taking a lot of time choosing, and in the end I ended up buying only four books and I was glad that it didn't cost more than 60$. I paid the books quickly before mom could see me, and I ran to the rest of my family that'd been waiting for me. Mom immediately asked how much I spent, and I lied a little about it being a little bit cheap so she wouldn't entirely freak out on me. We went shopping after that. I checked my wallet and only found a rippled of fifty thousands rupiahs there. Wow, nice, I thought. I was officially super poor. We spent a couple next days doing the same routine. Visiting families. Going out. Eating outside. Especially the eating part. My big family had a soft spot for culinary. Then the time was over. We needed to go back, and none of my family member was happy about it. I wasn't either. But I could say that I was pretty excited about the drive. I always enjoy a long car drive, enjoy the never ending road, the feel of being in a highway. Highways always give me some time to think, keeping me safe in my own mind. Now that I think about it, highways have a pretty important part of my life. It was almost it watched me grow up over time. Now that the holiday time was almost over, I had to prepare myself for what was coming. Universities, the new atmosphere, new people... I'm extremely excited for all of the new stuffs coming my way. I damn well know that there will be lots of stress, lots of frustration, but I'm surely well-prepared for it. I have lots of sayings about my education and all the universities stuffs, and I might just post it later because I'm just really tired of thinking everything without writing and telling it to anybody. But as for now, it's enough for one post. See you on the next ones!